Child Birth Preparedness Class. As the name so obviously states, a class that supposedly prepares you for the birth of your child. I personally think it should be included in that great list of oxymorons that exists somewhere. Like "accurate election", "cheap gas" and "decaffeinated coffee". Can anyone actually be prepared for this experience? Does watching a video of some crazy naked lady who wants to sit on her knees to give birth with absolutely no pain medication really prepare you to push 10 cm out of your who who? I don't think so!
But knowing this class will not prepare us at all did not stop Hubby and I from going to the first of 5 classes last night. It reminded me of the first day of school. We walked in and everyone was sitting quietly close to their partner curiously watching each move the other participants made. And to make matters worse, it was like our new homeroom just happened to be Sex Ed. It doesn't matter that the guys are ranging in age from mid-twenties to mid-thirties, they still had to smirk and laugh and make sideways comments through the entire class! My clever hubby raised his hand when the teacher asked if anyone wasn't going to be delivering at this particular hospital. The teacher was very efficient and was ready to write down where we would be when my husband promptly informed her that HE wasn't delivering anywhere, it would be me! I of course gave him the first of many death looks but couldn't stop myself from laughing at his wittiness. (He usually isn't quite so quick!) As the teacher plowed forward through all the guy humor she got to the point where you discuss the actual labor process, how long each portion of labor will generally take and what it will "look like" for Mom. She explained that the first portion of labor can take up to 8 hours. Hubby is on a roll. He can hardly contain himself as he leans over to tell me, "I give up on a poop after 20 minutes!" and smiles from ear to ear like it is the funniest thing he has heard all day. I laugh to myself but cover my face in embarrassment! This is going to be a LONG 5 weeks!
After the first class, hubby is more convinced than ever that there is NO NEED for him to leave my head. He doesn't have to see what the doctor is doing nor does he want to. I have already given him the OK that he can do whatever makes him the most comfortable, whether that be staying close to my head and waiting until the baby is all clean to hold or helping the doc deliver and cutting the umbilical cord. Whatever works to keep him upright and off the hospital floor is perfect for me!
During the class the teacher told us we would be coming up with our birthing plan where we write down how we want this process to go and things we hope to do during labor. As I sat and thought about it I realized I must be extremely ignorant because right now, the plan is to have contractions, get in the car, drive to the hospital, wheel me in, hook me in to the epidural, labor for however long it takes and have a baby. I thought that was ALL there was to it? There's more? It has to get complicated? Is it going to become some big production like our wedding? Maybe I am just simpleminded but I don't want to have to think of a birth plan. That's what my doctors and nurses went to school for. They should tell me what I am supposed to be doing. Hopefully not balancing precariously on some giant rubber ball or on all fours delivering backwards but just say push when its time to push and up the meds when I hurt worse. Right? Isn't that the idea? Why do we have to get creative with it. No one is going to remember how I gave birth, just that I did. I would have never known there were so many options out there. It seems like the old standard has worked pretty well for the last few hundred years.
So hopefully in 5 weeks I will be MORE prepared than I am now but fully aware that I am not prepared at all for what will be happening in 12 short weeks. Never have I felt so incompetent at something and been so excited for it! I cannot wait to meet my child but I know it is going to be one of the most challenging experiences of my life! As my Mom always said, it's like the Marines. It's the hardest job you'll ever love.
Chick, I can just see the looks you gave Steve during that class - I know them well.
ReplyDeleteI try not to offer unsolicited advice - you're giving me that look right now aren't you, the one you gave Steve during class?
Since I am your gifted and talented mother and I'm not sure they will cover this in class, I am going to present a very important lesson in labor. It is called:
INNERMOST BITCHINESS
Stop for a minute and think of a time you recognize as your most bitchy. This memory will still cause you prickles of anger, a slightly flushed feeling, and maybe a small sense of guilt (or maybe not.)
Now take that memory and multiply it to the 10th power, because when you are in labor that will be the minimum level of your bitchiness. Even you will be surprised by your bitchability.
The reason I am giving you this all important lesson is so you will realize ahead of time when you are in the throes of labor, you ain't gonna be so agreeable to let Steve do "whatever makes him feel comfortable."
As your G & T Mother I know you well enough to make a prediction that you will get mad at Steve during the birthing process of your little bundle of joy. He will irritate you to no end by saying things that are not the least bit funny - like it's time for funny in the first place.
He will try to redirect you when you get off the planned birthing process lessons, which you will declare a waste of time and money at some point.
You will be irritated by the way he stands, the way he looks at you, the way he smells, his smile, his hair, his clothes, his everything. You will be astounded when he ends up in a fetal position declaring HE will never go through this again.
All these actions will bring out the aforementioned bitchiness, directed right at Steve! After all, he impregnated you, and most likely had a whopping good time doing it!
For nine or so months you have had this wonderful little baby growing inside YOU. You get the nausea, the raging hormones, the stretch marks, the even bigger boobs, the waddle when you walk, the contractions, the pushing the 10cm object from your vajayjay, the episiotomy, etc., etc.
And what does Steve get . . . a get out of jail free card! He gets Park Place, Boardwalk and all the railroads, without even playing the game! He passes go, and walks away with something much better than a fist full of play money, that adorable little Winkle! And he gets all this courtesy of your LABOR (they call it that for a reason).
Your head will spin around if he hovers around it for one more second and vile contents will irrupt from your mouth of their own accord. You will be amazed at your new level of bitch power. You will have every right, and the absolute power, to throw him from the room. "Whatever makes him feel comfortable" will take on new meaning.
I can't wait to read that blog(:
I love love love you!
Que Que, aka Donna Basden Akins