What is it about things that can potentially be scary that causes people to hold back on the details??? Pregnancy for example has more hidden secrets than Pharaoh's pyramids! Do people honestly think that if they tell you all the details before you get pregnant that you will choose not to??? I think there was a counsel of old women who sat around a roaring fire one evening and made a pact to wait until all the younger women got knocked up to tell them anything!
** CAUTION: THIS BLOG WILL CONTAIN GROSS STUFF!**
So the minute you find out you are pregnant you start counting up the months. Little Susie or Little Johnnie will be born 9 months from conception right??? So you have it all figured out, you head to the Doc to confirm your exciting suspicions and then WHAMO! Out of nowhere they tell you the due date and its a month off. How can this be?!?!? I know when I got pregnant! I even counted with my fingers. Yes I am quite sure they are mistaken. So you ask....ARE YOU SURE THAT DUE DATE IS RIGHT?!?! I THINK YOU MIGHT BE OFF BY A MONTH! Then the nurse gives you the look that you will get so many times throughout your pregnancy. The look that says, "Oh yes, you are a first time mother, you poor sweet unsuspecting girl." She then gently explains that pregnancy is 40 weeks which roughly translates into 10 months. WHAT?!?! None of my science classes teach 10 months!!! I have always heard 9 months!!! Someone somewhere decided this would be the first of so many cruel pregnancy jokes!
The next thing that you find out late about are the changes your body is going to go through. Yes, yes, we all know about morning sickness, bulging bellies and stretch marks but there's more!!! YEAH I KNOW! MORE! Did you know that as your uterus stretches with the baby's growth you actually have abdominal pain? Your belly also itches like crazy as the skin starts to get taut with baby. Some people develop terrible varicose veins on their legs so bad they have to wear support hose. Your boobs become as tender as a man's kohonas (I imagine) so that just brushing against something is painful. Not only do your boobs and belly get bigger but so do your arms, butt, nose, well anything that has skin attached to it! And all this is just some of the stuff that happens during pregnancy!!!
Once its time to have that precious bundle of joy there are more surprises. They no longer give you an enema. You are just supposed to push and poo on the table. From what I hear they efficiently and quietly clean it up where you may never know it happened. Also if you give birth to a boy, it is the OB that actually does the circumcision. Is it just me or is this incredibly ironic. A doctor that only went to school for woman parts is going to mess with the most manly part of all, possibly scaring the child for life if too much is taken or not enough!!! Then once you get finished with the most tiring experience of your life and have pushed out a baby and the surrounding goo, the doc will reach inside of you and pull a karate kid. Wax on, wax off. They want to be sure there is nothing left inside of you that might cause you to hemorrhage later on. Yep, their hand inside your who who! And if your uterus doesn't contract on its own after the birthing experience (which helps to re-tighten everything) they actually give you a shot of something to make you contract!!! I thought I would be done with contractions at this point!!!
Now on to the rest. You apparently do not nurse just out of the end of your nipple, you nurse out of the entire nipple! You also squirt milk during sex and in the shower! Face it ladies, we are destined to be dairy production lines. We also can no longer hold our pee pee as well as we used to be able to and our taut who whos might not be so taut anymore! And this is only the stuff I have found out so far that has been shocking to me. I am sure there will be a long list in the months and years to come that have escaped human decency to tell us unsuspecting women! Until then, be fruitful and multiply at your own risk!
This is too funny! And, not only will you contract after delivery with the Pitocin, you will also contract while nursing! It's really not that bad. Promise. =)
ReplyDeleteso heres the stuff I learned from my info session that you might want to know...
ReplyDelete1.Make sure they put your IV in your non-dominant hand. If you arent careful, you might find yourself trying to roll that little thing with you to the bathroom and then realizing its gonna be tough to mangage the toilet paper with your hand mangled w/ an IV or with your non-dominant hand.
2. for many hours after you deliver they will come in and push on your stomach to help the remaining "goo" to come out. yippy!
3. you will effectively be laying in a diaper of sorts and on something that resembles a puppy pee pad for a few days after as you need something to contain the goo. GROSS
4. come up with some sort of key word that you can say to Steve or your nurse to make them CLEAR THE ROOM. Its the people who you wouldnt mind being there to see you that are respectful enough to give you space and the ones that you wish would LEAVE that not only come to "visit" but feel inclinded to stay through your dinner, the nurses changing your sheets, your 3rd unsuccessful attempt to nurse, etc etc.
5. First time moms almost always get "cut" to avoid tearing and from the looks of it afterward you may think you will never have a normal looking who who again. But it will go back to "normal"
6. Not that you would necessarily be trying for another baby right away, but doing the baby dance can be quite painful for MONTHS after giving birth.
This made me laugh so hard!!
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